There comes a moment, sometimes in the most unexpected places, when we realize just how much the outside world influences the way we see ourselves. It could be in a meeting room, a family gathering, or even a dimly lit, high-end restaurant filled with polished silverware and whispered conversations.
I had one of those moments recently.
Surrounded by an atmosphere of exclusivity and quiet sophistication, I found myself scanning the room, taking in the carefully curated scene, the well-dressed guests, the unspoken hierarchies. The restaurant was undeniably elegant: dim lighting, just enough to make out the glittering crowd. White tablecloths, polished flatware, and flickering candles cast a soft, flattering glow across the room, illuminating faces in a way that made everything feel curated, intentional.
Across from our table, in my line of vision, sat an older man wearing sunglasses, indoors, in an already dark room. Beside him, an attractive young woman. The rest of his table was filled with men, none of whom wore sunglasses. I didn’t know anyone there, but it was clear who commanded attention. He was the center of gravity. The conversation orbited around him. The waiter poured the wine for him to taste.
I glanced around the room. Some tables were dominated by groups of men, with only a few women scattered among them. Others were filled with fashionable young women, their laughter and poised gestures effortlessly blending into the stylish atmosphere. Then, there were the couples, sitting across from each other, candlelight flickering between them, their presence adding to the orchestrated elegance of the evening.
As the night unfolded, I became aware of a creeping feeling inside me. A question.
Am I dressed appropriately?
Comfort over style has always been my thing, but in that moment, I found myself wishing I had put in more effort.
Later, as I made my way to the restroom, I joined a line of impeccably dressed women, their silhouettes framed against the soft, golden glow of the venue. And that’s when I pinpointed the subtle, but persistent energy that had been lingering all evening.
A quiet, nervous undercurrent.
A shared questioning, a silent chorus of doubt: Am I enough?
On my way back to the table, I crossed paths with the man in sunglasses. And suddenly, it hit me.
This energy wasn’t coming from within, it was the weight of the outside world pressing in.
The discomfort. The self-doubt. The fleeting urge to mold myself to fit in. It wasn’t about me, it was about expectations. Social conditioning. The invisible rules that dictate who we should be, how we should look, how we should move through the world.
That night, I was reminded of a profound truth: self-love is not just a feeling; it’s a decision.
A decision to release the need for external validation.
A decision to recognize and unlearn the limiting beliefs we’ve absorbed over time.
A decision to reclaim our own worth, on our own terms.
And so, I want to ask you:
How often do you question your own worth?
How much of what you believe about yourself is shaped by the world around you?
In my book, Heal Your Ancestral Roots, I shared a profound experience from a meditation class. The instructor asked each of us to go within and ask ourselves a question:
“Ask yourself, what is your deepest fear? When something comes up, hold it and then go back within. Ask yourself, what is your deepest fear? If it’s the same fear repeatedly, then you know you have reached your deepest fear. If not, go deeper.”
There are only two core wounds, I heard her say: that we are not “worthy” or that we are “unlovable.” Underlying these wounds is fear, fear of rejection and abandonment, and the need to fit in with the “tribe” to survive.
Self-worth is not something we are born with. As children we are constantly absorbing messages about ourselves from interactions around us. Millions of experiences, significant and miniscule, create these self-beliefs. While a child may not be able to articulate these beliefs that get ingrained, as adults we might feel:
I’ll never be loved for who I am.
I’m a fool for thinking I can achieve my heart’s desire.
Yes, I’m unhappy, but I don’t deserve any better than what I have right now.
How do these beliefs manifest in your life creating a ceiling on what’s possible and what you could create for yourself?
A Reflection for You
As we stepped outside, the line to get into the restaurant still stretched down the block.
I took a deep breath and asked myself, “How much of what we believe about ourselves is shaped by the outside world? By our parents, our friends, our culture, our society?”
Now, I invite you to ask yourself the same.
- How does outside conditioning shape your thoughts, confidence, and self-worth?
- How does it make you feel about yourself?
- What would it look like to step outside of those expectations and choose yourself instead?
Imagine, for a moment, what it would feel like to center your energy. To step fully into who you are, without apology. To nurture yourself the way you would a dear friend.
Because self-care and self-love walk hand in hand, and together, they allow you to show up as your most authentic, empowered self.
The choice is yours.
